To Anyone Who Has Ever Wanted to Die: World Suicide Prevention Day 2017

I believe you

I believe in the scorching

grief that has replaced

the marrow in your


the feeling of being alone and

yet never by yourself at home


the red dots on your arms

from where you picked out

your hair under the flourescent lights

in history class


because your own flesh is the closest thing

you can punish for this pain

maybe if there were less of you this wouldn’t

hurt so much

this must be someone

somewhere’s fault


I believe you when you say that

when you look in the mirror

you don’t feel fat as much as


which is to say


which is to say

you do not yet know the feeling of experiencing some of the majesty of this world

and thinking

thank God, or fuck, or whatever is

up there

that I didn’t kill myself


that I never took my

grandmother’s broach in that bathroom

on that saturday afternoon and puncture

my innocent wrists


I cannot promise you much

but maybe one day both of us

will wake up

unafraid of winter

unafraid of living

what I know about living is it

goes on whether you follow it or



that it takes one speck

of person and somehow let’s

it learn to ignore the sweat cascading

down your body on an early autumn morning

and just eat some fucking birthday cake with people

who could never

hate you as much as you have hated yourself


for anyone who never thought

they deserved to grow old

each milestone is a revelation

of other people’s lives and the way they must



each day is a worry that this will be my last healthy day before I


for a few months no two weeks


and yet


maybe one day you will twist

up your rainbow

hair around your dandelion head and instead of

spreading bitter seeds

you will be rooted

which is to say fuckable

which is to say loveable

which is to say


the percentage of your days

on which

the subway tracks look

more like transportation than the cars

will lessen


by your parents’ faces



your own


I have struggled with depression and anxiety (or, more accurately, despair and terror) for as long as I can remember. I think you could say I had my official breakdown at age fourteen and since then have begun to rebuild, or maybe even just build, my life. While I have never self harmed or attempted suicide I have lived with suicidal and self harming urges and thoughts since around fourteen. I still suffer, but three daily pills and weekly therapy and constant work have given me a life that I already think my five-year-old self would be proud of- and I owe that bitch for being a motherfucking kween from day one. I can guarantee you that tomorrow I will wake up scared, but I will still get up and so should you. I have shared some resources below because God, or Beyonce, or Mother Nature doesn’t make mistakes and She made you beautiful and worth it ūüôā

Urgent Health and Activist Resources: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (18002738255):

World Suicide Prevention Day:

The Trevor Project (specifically focus on LGBTQ mental health issues, also have a texting hotline):

Crisis Text Line (741741):

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

To Write Love on Her Arms:

More Creative/ Inspirational Resources (some sources may be triggering):

The Nutritionist by Andrea Gibson (which I lovingly stole from a little bit for this poem, The Nutritionist has gotten me through some pretty tough times and I have the words to it hanging on my wall):

Today Means Amen by Sierra DeMulder:

We’ll See You Tomorrow by DeMulder and Ingram:¬†

i by Kendrick Lamar:

Alright by Kendrick Lamar:

Be Calm by fun.:

My Mad Fat Diary Therapy Scene:

Fine by Mal Blum:

At Least I’m Not As Sad As I Used To Be by fun.:¬†

Getting Better by The Beatles:

I Will Survive (Cake version):

Hurt by Johnny Cash:

Ordinary Life by Ezra Furman:

Career Suicide by Chris Gethard:

The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson):

Body Love by Mary Lambert:



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