To Anyone Who Has Ever Wanted to Die: World Suicide Prevention Day 2017

I believe you

I believe in the scorching

grief that has replaced

the marrow in your

bones

the feeling of being alone and

yet never by yourself at home

 

the red dots on your arms

from where you picked out

your hair under the flourescent lights

in history class

 

because your own flesh is the closest thing

you can punish for this pain

maybe if there were less of you this wouldn’t

hurt so much

this must be someone

somewhere’s fault

 

I believe you when you say that

when you look in the mirror

you don’t feel fat as much as

unfuckable

which is to say

unloveable

which is to say

you do not yet know the feeling of experiencing some of the majesty of this world

and thinking

thank God, or fuck, or whatever is

up there

that I didn’t kill myself

 

that I never took my

grandmother’s broach in that bathroom

on that saturday afternoon and puncture

my innocent wrists

 

I cannot promise you much

but maybe one day both of us

will wake up

unafraid of winter

unafraid of living

what I know about living is it

goes on whether you follow it or

not

 

that it takes one speck

of person and somehow let’s

it learn to ignore the sweat cascading

down your body on an early autumn morning

and just eat some fucking birthday cake with people

who could never

hate you as much as you have hated yourself

 

for anyone who never thought

they deserved to grow old

each milestone is a revelation

of other people’s lives and the way they must

feel

 

each day is a worry that this will be my last healthy day before I

disappear

for a few months no two weeks

notice

and yet

 

maybe one day you will twist

up your rainbow

hair around your dandelion head and instead of

spreading bitter seeds

you will be rooted

which is to say fuckable

which is to say loveable

which is to say

 

the percentage of your days

on which

the subway tracks look

more like transportation than the cars

will lessen

replaced

by your parents’ faces

and,

eventually,

your own

 

I have struggled with depression and anxiety (or, more accurately, despair and terror) for as long as I can remember. I think you could say I had my official breakdown at age fourteen and since then have begun to rebuild, or maybe even just build, my life. While I have never self harmed or attempted suicide I have lived with suicidal and self harming urges and thoughts since around fourteen. I still suffer, but three daily pills and weekly therapy and constant work have given me a life that I already think my five-year-old self would be proud of- and I owe that bitch for being a motherfucking kween from day one. I can guarantee you that tomorrow I will wake up scared, but I will still get up and so should you. I have shared some resources below because God, or Beyonce, or Mother Nature doesn’t make mistakes and She made you beautiful and worth it ūüôā

Urgent Health and Activist Resources: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (18002738255): https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

World Suicide Prevention Day: https://iasp.info/wspd2017/

The Trevor Project (specifically focus on LGBTQ mental health issues, also have a texting hotline): http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Crisis Text Line (741741): https://www.crisistextline.org/

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: https://afsp.org/

To Write Love on Her Arms: https://twloha.com/

More Creative/ Inspirational Resources (some sources may be triggering):

The Nutritionist by Andrea Gibson (which I lovingly stole from a little bit for this poem, The Nutritionist has gotten me through some pretty tough times and I have the words to it hanging on my wall): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTv-YFaGWe0

Today Means Amen by Sierra DeMulder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV-gqLaipW4

We’ll See You Tomorrow by DeMulder and Ingram:¬†https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MciYE2u4S3w

i by Kendrick Lamar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aShfolR6w8

Alright by Kendrick Lamar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-48u_uWMHY

Be Calm by fun.: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qMXBUjm8tM

My Mad Fat Diary Therapy Scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M4phmT089s

Fine by Mal Blum: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cdi9GkkGmec

At Least I’m Not As Sad As I Used To Be by fun.:¬†https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nemst-oB3Po

Getting Better by The Beatles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1K7VgNNy1Q

I Will Survive (Cake version): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9rCUQjmkxU

Hurt by Johnny Cash: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc

Ordinary Life by Ezra Furman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzP2YqYaWoI

Career Suicide by Chris Gethard: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4dq1iv1tHM

The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson): http://thebloggess.com/

Body Love by Mary Lambert: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3f1zii5skA

 

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